Anger management: The moment before you snap

“Did you ring the plumber?”

An ordinary question. But it’s the end of a long day, you forgot to ring, and what you hear is: Here’s another thing you’ve got wrong. So you say, “Why don’t you do it yourself, then?” And suddenly you’re having an argument that has very little to do with plumbing.

That’s the moment I’m interested in as a psychotherapist. What happened between hearing the question and firing back? There might be embarrassment in there. There might be resentment because you feel you’re carrying too much. Or you might have spent the whole day holding yourself together and have very little left.

Anger can be a reasonable response to being treated unfairly. It can also turn up when we think we’re being criticised and haven’t checked what the other person meant. The work is learning to tell the difference while you still have a choice about what happens next.

Notice what happens just before you react. Maybe your jaw tightens. Maybe your voice speeds up. One of the more reliable signs is that you stop listening because you’re busy preparing a devastating reply. If you’re already composing your closing argument, it’s probably time to take a minute.

Take a break and say when you’ll come back. Try: “I’m getting worked up. I need twenty minutes, and I’ll come back so we can finish talking.” Take a walk or find somewhere quiet. In couples work, that last bit matters. One person may need space to think while the other hears the door close and thinks, Here we go again. This will never get talked about. Coming back when you say you will helps the pause work for both of you.

Get curious about what the angry part of you was trying to do. Was it trying to stop you feeling small? Get someone to take you seriously? Make a demand go away because you were already overloaded? In my work with autistic people and people with ADHD, I’ll often ask what happened in the hours before the argument. A noisy room, a change of plan or one demand after another may tell us more about why that moment was so hard than the final question does.

Come back and say what you meant. “I’m sorry I snapped. I forgot to make the call, and I felt embarrassed when you asked. I’m also feeling stretched thin. Can we talk about how we’re dividing things up?” You can take responsibility for how you spoke and still raise the issue that needs to be discussed.

If your anger regularly frightens people, or it comes out as threats, intimidation or violence, seek professional support. If you’re the person being frightened or threatened, your safety comes first. It’s never your job to manage someone else’s anger for them.

Try this after your next flare-up: go back thirty seconds in your mind and ask, “What was the first sign I was getting angry?” That’s the moment to practise catching. You might still be angry next time. You might also catch it early enough to say what you actually mean.